Unsung Heroes of Literature: The Dash Brothers Are F— — — ing Nuts

The only appropriate adjective to describe the bar where the Dashes agreed to meet me for this interview is ‘dive.’ We met in the middle of the afternoon, at The Maple Leaf Tavern, a bar in the east-end of Toronto that, although legendary, has seen better days. Inside it was so dark that I had to wait for my eyes to adjust before I could find the bar. It smelt of stale beer. The floor was sticky. The Dash Brothers, Em and En were at the bar, dropping Jägermeister shots into pints of beer, what they called a Boilermaker. They wouldn’t start the interview, which is transcribed below unedited, until I had one.

Open Book: How were your days?

Em Dash: Can’t complain.

En Dash: Nothing to write home about.

OB: So nobody told me — you’re twins?

EM: Jesus Christ!

EN: Who the fuck are you?

EM: Are you looking for a fight? You ignorant-stupid cow!

EN: Seriously — are you looking to go?

OB: No, no, no! Sorry. So sorry. Listen. If you could just let go of my shirt? Please?

EM: I’ll poke you’re eyes out.

EN: He’ll do it.

OB: I’m so sorry. It was an honest mistake. I’m so, so, sorry.

EN: Hey! Hey! Give the kid a break.

EM: You’re right. You’re right.

EN: We get a little touchy about that.

EM: Because it’s just so obvious!

EN: So obvious!

EM: I’m twice the size of En.

EN: He’s two of me! That’s the whole point!

OB: Okay. I can see that. I can see that now. Thanks for pointing that out. Let me buy the next round? Okay? Can we continue?

EM: Just don’t get stupid again.

EN: Good idea.

OBL: I’ll stay smart. I promise. Em this one is for you. I’ve always used you, like — I’m a little nervous about asking it.

EM: Go ahead. I get worked up but I can let it go.

OB: Well, a lot of people use you basically like they’d use Colon. How would you differentiate yourself from Colon?

EM: For one thing, I’m not a stuck up pretentious twit.

OB: Excuse me?

EM: Colon walks around like they’ve got a stick up their ass all the time. So fucking perfect! The absolute worst!

OB: Do you admit that your purposes overlap?

EM: I guess I’d just say that, yes, we do serve a lot of the same functions but I’m way more informal than Colon— and I’m way more emphatic. There’s a bit of a jolt when you use me. You know? I liven up the place. Whereas Colon does nothing but keep everything prim and proper. I got a little more…

OB: Everyday? I mean — I mean that in a good way!

EM: I take no offense being described that way.

OB: I’m glad.

EM: Of course I also have a sideline.

OB: A sideline?

EM: Ya. I stand in when words are censored for letters that have been intentionally omitted. Like f——— you, you g——d——— m—————f——————¿

OB: Did you just use an Irony Mark?

EM: That’s why you know it’s not offensive.

EN: Whereas I don’t go with any of that phrase work.

OB: Okay. Yup. Over to you En. What is it that you do?

EN: Mainly, I separate spans of time or ranges in numbers.

OB: Like I’ll meet you at the 7-11 around 3-4?

EN: You got it, Pontiac!

OB: That’s very straight forward. I appreciate that.

EN: Although I got a sideline too.

OB; You do?

EN: Ya, I separate two-work phrases, in order to create compound adjectives.

OB: You’re putting me on.

EN: No sir.

OB: Example?

EN: Like man-eating alligator

OP: Um…

EN: It’s not a man eating an alligator. It’s a man-eating alligator. Both adjectives are describing the same noun. So I link them together. I just like doing it. It makes things clearer.

OB: That’s a very-cool job!

EN: Are you fucking with me?

EM: Are you fucking with him?

OB: What? What am I doing?

EN: You never, ever, use me with very or an adjective ending in ly.

OB: What?

EN: I’m standing right here! Em – did you hear this shit going on right in front of me?

EM I surely did.

OB: I don’t understand! Why not?

EN: That’s just the way I roll.

EM: That’s just the way he rolls!

OB: But that’s stupid!

EM: Sounds like somebody’s getting smart again.

OB: I’m sorry. That just slipped out. It just slipped out.

EN: What are we going to do about it.

EM: Maybe we ought to teach somebody a lesson?

OB: Is that rhetorical?

EM: Is this rhetorical?

OB: No — that’s a very big knife.

EN: You thought it’d be cool to mess around with a couple of Dashes?

EM: You thought Dashes would be happy-carefree jerks you could kick around?

OB: Okay, um what about this? What if I just — dash outta here?

EN: Is that some kind of joke?

EM: You think we’re funny?

EN: You think we’re funny?

OB: Oh dear.

Unsung Heroes of Literature is a series of interviews with the most under-appreciated or routinely overlooked aspects of the book. Up next – we finally get that interview with Blurb. They promise it will be the interview of the year!